Yesterday I had some photography work published on The EveryGirl, a popular lifestyle blog with an immense readership. Publication here was a huge honor for me, as was the chance to work with Katie, the woman they featured. Her humility and perseverance under hardship are a shining example, and a great encouragement to me. I’ll share some of those photos on the blog tomorrow, but today I want to talk about something that has come up multiple times in the last 24 hours— dealing with other peoples’ successes.

This may sound like a strange topic to address, particularly after saying, “My work was just published!” But it was an issue I battled through all day long yesterday. Why? Because I spent a good bit of time yesterday, after the post went live, looking at other featured posts, which led to looking at other photographers’ blogs, and turned into a downward spiral of comparison and self-pity. Why can’t I seem to get to where they are? How did they make those connections? Why do I feel so lost most of the time?

I’ve talked with many friends in recent months who have, like myself, struggled when looking at other peoples’ success stories. How did they get there? What are they doing that I’m not doing? Their life looks so perfect… why does mine feel likes it’s constantly falling apart? Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest can be wonderful tools, especially for the self-employed, but they can also be a breeding ground for a heck of a lot of discontentment, greed, and envy. Yesterday: case-in-point. But that wasn’t an isolated incident— I struggle with this every time I see a colleague blog about their recent featured publications. Or post about the cool places they get to travel. Or say that they’re fully booked for 2014, and are starting to take contracts for 2015. Or post a creative session that I wish I would’ve thought of first. For crying out loud, ever since my iPhone 5 was stolen last July, I fight discontentment every time I open Instagram, because I see friends’ pretty pictures, and know that my old iPhone 4 with the scratched lens can’t possibly take anything that crisp or detailed or bright.

But how do we stop? In an age of digital everything, where picture-perfect snapshots are constantly in front of our eyes? Especially if you’re a full-time photographer, designer, stylist, or blogger, when our very work is about looking at and publishing things for others to look at? Theodore Roosevelt said that “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Most of us have seen that quote floating around Pinterest, and it is profound. But how do we stop comparing ourselves to others? How do we fight the Envy Beast and live joyful, content lives overflowing with thanksgiving for what we have been given? Here are four ways that I have found to stop comparison and fight against envy.

4 Simple Ways to Fight Envy

1. JUST DO THE WORK. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s frustrating. Even if no one notices. Even if you’re not sure how to do it. Focus on your own faithfulness and fruitfulness, not other peoples. Every time I complain about my work and my feelings of failure to my husband Buck, he says, “Well, just keep doing it. You know it’s what you’re supposed to do, so just do it.” This used to frustrate me (let’s be honest, sometimes it still does), but he’s right. It’s soooo easy to think that because something is hard or tedious or less than enjoyable, that maybe I shouldn’t have to do it, or that it’s not that way for other people. But the bottom line is that in most areas work, steady diligence and faithfulness is the key to success. (To read more about work, and this topic in particular, see this article).

Liene Stevens, founder of The Splendid Collective and blogger at Think Splendid wrote a brilliant article on this topic last January. She says, “If you want to be an overnight success, you do the work day in and day out. You do the work that everyone else gives up on. You do the work that everyone else has mistakenly labeled a waste of time. You do the work even when you’re convinced that everyone on Twitter and Facebook has figured out some foolproof system that they haven’t clued you in on. You do the work even when it is boring. You do the work even when you don’t feel like it and would rather curl up under the blanket on the couch with coffee and a movie. Then one day, out of nowhere, you will be labeled an overnight success. A door will open to a new hallway with new doors bearing new opportunities. You will still have to do the work to open these doors, but they will swing a little more freely. Everyone will want to know how exactly you got so lucky. How you found the shortcut to that hallway with those doors. And you will smile because you know the answer isn’t one they want to hear. The shortcut is doing the work.”

It’s the Nike moto in real life practice— Just Do It.

2. REMEMBER THAT WHAT YOU SEE IS NOT THE FULL STORY. As one friend said last night, “There’s an awful lot of mess that you can hide in a picture.” Bloggers, photographers, Instagramers, and anyone else who publish parts of their lives on social media may seem to be real, vulnerable, and accessible. And perhaps they are. But remember— you only see what they want you to see. It’s this thing called “Controlled Vulnerability”— they may be transparent, but only about the things they choose to be transparent about, only real about the things they want you to really know. And this is not necessarily bad. It’s just reality, a bi-product of living half of our lives in a virtual (digital) world. We weren’t made to have intimate fellowship with bits and bytes exchanged through wires, digital signals, video cards, and back-lit computer screens. We were made for warmth, the touch of a human hand, and the sound of a voice unobstructed by cell phones and hundreds of miles between. We have five senses with which we can love and be loved. Let’s face it: there’s no digital substitute for a real person in the real world.

The full story is usually an awful lot messier, more confusing, more painful, and less simple than the one we see on our screens, and that’s uncomfortable. It’s easier to put on a facade of perfection, to “pretty up” our lives, instead of acknowledging the hard things that are happening. But those hard things allow for that much more grace, which is something to be celebrated. Joy in the midst of a happy, sunny life is not hard. Joy in the midst of hardship? That is the result of grace, and that is so much more beautiful than something’s original perfection.

Behind every perfectly-styled living room is an entryway full of clutter, tucked away to take the photo. Behind every stylish clothing ensemble is a pile of discarded options and frantic emotions. Behind every “perfectly put-together” person is a bit of chaos they hope you can’t see. The beauty that they show? That is beautiful, and a picture of grace. But remember that there is more reason for grace in what you can’t see than in what you can.

3. LOVE NOT LUST. I once heard someone differentiate between these two by saying that love asks, “What can I give to this person?”, while lust asks, “What can I get from this person?” When it comes to interacting with people, especially when those feelings of envy and greed begin to surface, ask, “How can I contribute to this person’s good? How can I enrich their life? In what ways can I serve them?” Seeking to pour into the people around you removes attention from self, automatically fighting against self-pity and selfishness, and turns you from an “Energy-taker” to an Energy-give.”

How to do this? Learn to ask good questions. I’ve heard it said time and time again that the key to being a good conversationalist isn’t knowing how to talk, but how to listen, and the best way to gain a person’s trust is to show genuine interest in them. Asking good questions is a great way to develop these skills. How do you know it’s a good question?  This article on LifeHack.org gives 4 basic tips: don’t ask yes or no questions, dig deeper by asking follow-up questions, use the power of silence, and don’t interrupt.

4. GIVE THANKS, GIVE THANKS, GIVE THANKS. For those brave, dedicated souls who have followed this blog from it’s inception at www.girlfullyalive.blogspot.com, and then to www.ampersandphoto.net, you will remember my Grace Gifts list, a record of the small, seemingly insignificant evidences of God’s kindness and mercy in everyday life. These things ranged from waking up to birds singing, to the gift of free coffee at Starbucks, to experiences that were more life-altering. Although I don’t actively keep up with this list/project anymore, I still try to make a point to cultivate thankfulness as a heart-habit in my daily life. Because let’s be honest— the words “You deserve…” aren’t really true. We don’t deserve anything. Any and every thing that we have, we have received as a gift of grace from very kind God. We don’t deserve anything, yet we have been given SO MUCH. It’s worth acknowledging that.

A heart of humble gratitude comes when we focus on what we have instead of what we lack. For example, I have friends who own gorgeous houses, have the time and money to renovate old houses and make them new, have yards and picnic tables, and front porch swings, and !!!! a home office!!! Other friends have jobs that let them travel to Europe all the time, or stylish clothes in brands that I love, or that uncanny ability to attract and retain exactly the kind of client they prefer. Or the ability to eat whatever food they want without getting sick from it. I want ALL OF THESE THINGS, and don’t have any of this, or at least, not in the quantity that I want. I could look at their lives and become very discontent (and sometimes I do that). Or, I can focus, instead on all of the things I have been given, and be thankful for those: a loving husband who is my best friend; a business that is growing all the time; living in a digital age, so I can go paperless (or, at least, paper-reduced) and function without a home office; a cozy apartment in DC!!; a sweet Church community, some of whom live within walking distance; clients that I absolutely adore, and count as dear friends.

I could go on, but you get the idea. If comparison is the thief of joy, thankfulness is it’s redemption— it takes envy and turns it into contentment.

I hope this post has been helpful for you, but I’m quite aware that I’m not the expert on envy and it’s sisters, comparison and discontent. I would love to hear how you fight these beasts in your own life. What tips or advice do you have for me?

xoxo,

Sarah Bradshaw