September was a rough month. Buck started up work travel again (two weeks in Uganda this time) right at the same time that my busy work season started. I grossly underestimated the impact that his absence would have on my work, my emotions, and my ability to even care for myself. I had assumed that, since Buck is gone for most of the day at work anyway, that I would be able to manage life fairly well in his absence, but I was so wrong. The upside is that I now have more realistic expectations for future work trips, so hopefully it won’t be so rough next time. The downside is that I’m now about two weeks behind on my work, and some of the projects I was hoping to work on in October have to be transferred to January’s list.

The day after he got back in the country, we left for a weekend in Boston for an engagement session, then I got sick for two days as soon as we got back home, and then had a wedding on a rainy weekend.

It’s Monday, October 3, and I feel like I’m still reeling from the intensity of the last month.

I pulled out my journal for the first time this morning. Here’s just a little excerpt:

The intensity of the last month has worn on me. I feel like I’m dealing with low-level depression right now, even though I know it’s stress-related. So many mood swings (thanks, hormones!), so much stress, so much discouragement, so much weariness, so many tears, so many questions. When I take a step back and look at my life objectively, I feel I can clearly see areas where I need help or need to change, but when I’m in it, I can’t seem to ask for help or make those changes happen. There’s either guilt, or I talk myself out of need, or life itself distracts me, or verbalizing things makes me think I don’t actually need these things after all.

I’m realizing, more and more every day, that adrenaline, caffeine, and chocolate can only take me so far. I’m taking steps to get more help and build better boundaries, but honestly, that’s only part of the solution. The bigger solution is to remember that God is on His throne, and that he works everything for my good, and that His primary goal for all things is to help me to rely more heavily on His grace.

I read Psalm 3 this morning after pouring out my heart in pen and ink, and found immense comfort in these words:

• He is the lifter of my head (v.3): God Himself is the lifter of my head. No matter how overwhelmed I may feel by my lists, my responsibilities, or my own emotions, I don’t need to be downcast. God lifts. He can, and He will.
• I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. (v. 5): Because God is both sovereign and wise, I can rest from my labors and cease from my work, without fear of loss, failure, or harm. And then I can “wake again” with hope and joy to face the next day, the next task on my list, the next cry from my baby, the next responsibility— because it is God who sustains me.

Okay, so now onto the goals. 🙂

Last Month’s Goals — Checking In:

As with September, many of my goals are transferring over (and as I mentioned, some goals got moved to my January/February list). It was just a rough month, overall, and October looks to be fairly intense as well, so I’m trying to lower expectations and reevaluate my goals in general, so that I’m more likely to reach them.

October Goals, personal:

Join a gym and work out 3x/week
Drink 90+ oz of water per day
Finish reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up
Kon-Mari bathroom and hall closet
Get together with two girlfriends
Winery day with Buck
Double date with friends
Journal 2x per week
Take time off when Buck has time off
Be in bed by 10pm every night

October Goals, business:

Finish the hiring process for an office assistant
List unused photography equipment for sale
Write out my client experience and evaluate “touch points”
Write and practice session on Time Management for C@H
Write out an “ideal world” job description for myself
Read one other business book*
Blog 12 times this month
Blog about albums
Deliver 2 albums
Deliver all weddings and engagement sessions currently in queue

* I have a massive pile of business books on my desk! I need accountability to read them all, so I’m planning to start my own book club. I’ll blog all about it later this week, but in the mean time, let me know if you’re interested in joining!!